i have been blessed with a very difficult challenge in my life. i can find positive lights in everyone except myself. i can not find a consistent amount of understanding when it comes to my body's beauty. its hard for me to look at my face in the mirror for long periods of time. its hard for me to look into the eyes of my partner when expressing complicated emotions because i dont want him to see how awful i feel, about myself or whatever it is that i am expressing to him. i told my partner today that i felt inadequate as a sexual partner. i am very giving, in every aspect of my life, but more particularly, in sex. i love to give my partner pleasure because i want to please him and make him feel good. most times, i do not get to orgasm or recieve any oral sex. i honestly feel and believe that if i was more attractive, my pleasure in our love making, would be more of a priority for him. my partner responded that our sex life has fizzled over the years and that we need to spice it up with more costumes, toys or new environments. it hurt me to hear it because i dont want to have to dress up for my partner to have him want to please me. i wish that his love for me would be enough of an inspiration to want to please me. at the same time, i am not oppossed to doing these things, as i have done them in the past, but i feel that a lot of that pressure is on me as the woman in the relationship to do those things. where as, i have done them and it was great all those times, i have yet to receive a sexually thought out night or experience from his making. his love is enough for me and i am having difficulty understanding love and sex in other ways. my perspective on sex and love making is that i love the person i am sharing this experience with. we are allowing each other to penetrate each other in a very intimate and pleasurable way. my thoughts drift to my disconnect with mass media and societal acceptances. i used to be a porn watcher, but after reading this article in adbusters, ive realized that i can decide what i think is hot and stimulating to myself. i feel like im fighting this image of having huge breasts, a big booty, a skinny waist and the confidence that many porn stars possess. if i dont have those things, then how could anyone want to have sex with me or please me? it is so widely accepted to be gorgeous like people on the cover of a magzine, or to be stimulated by women/men in porn videos, and even to stare at women jogging by in the park, or when they wear tight yoga pants, or when they have low cut shirts. but i just cant jive to that tune. it hurts my feelings when i notice my partner noticing other women in that way. my breasts are the size they are, my booty is not big round and beautiful, and my waist has jiggle to it. i feel like im fighting with over-stimulated minds in sexual pleasure, when i just want to make love because i am in love with someone for who they are inside and out. and that idea is never going to get old for me as long as my love for them is present. and with this, i feel so alone in the community that surrounds me.