Wednesday January 24, 2004

 I'm fucking pathetic, i dont even try to do my work anymore. I sit around sometimes in front of the computer trying to get started but usually I just dont even attempt it. I dont even bother anymore. I dont put myself through the torture of doing it. I have no inhibitions to not doing my work anymore so everytime i try it's as hard as it will ever be. I just dont care. I'll probably end up a hobo. which is infintely better than living with my parents. They finally decided to give up on me, well no, my mom did spend 12,000 dollars on an education for me. And if I dont do this exhibition that was due today i could get kicked out. After one quarter. I'm a fucking waste of potential. Maybe my potential was to not fulfill itself in the first place. I dont know. Fuck it.

Trying to find out whether I've lost one of my dearest friends (3 yr friendship) because of mania earlier this year

In which I introduce myself, spill my guts about the past year up to now, and basically cry out for empathy in my loneliness.

Most of you know how a manic episode can freak out those close to you and result in isolation. Here you'll see how 4 such episodes this year left me in a pretty fragile state.

One group of humans get to decide, another is supposed to just follow orders, and trust that the other group will make the right decisions. One group gets heavily funded and carried aloft on the shoulders of the Status Quo and heralded everywhere as heroes, the other gets to remain passive, waiting in silenced trust to be served. One group gets to engage in "reputable" dialogue with each other, the other group gets to  "rant" and "rave" and can only be viewed in a very narrow, paternalistic way. All of these ways have a lot of bigoted assumptions within them and end up tooling all the otherwise beautiful human beings involved. 

 I work full time and loose my dignity everyday. Here is a quote from Phoenix Rising in the early 1980's. "If you thought school was bad welcome to work a "prison of measured time"..