So I have a quote in my office now (one of many) that says, "I have a fast brain disorder." LOL.

So I've been trying to make a decision lately. I know I need to get back on a mood stabalizer.

So this is the after life. Shit happens but you deal with it. You don't do (too) many things out of the norm. The feelings still come and overwhelm, but don't destroy. You learn...gasp...coping mechanisms. AND THEY WORK!!! It was hard in the past to believe in something that I didn't know if they would work or not. I had to try new things and believe ahead of time that they would work. That is hard. That's why some people keep doing self destructive things- because they are known, you know the effect and sometimes the effect is temporarily good. So you keep doing the same ole thing because you are afraid of trying something new and not knowing the effect.

But you gotta let go of that sometime. Because sometimes new things work! Change happens when the fear of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go. Think about that. I did and it changed my life. I changed my life.
 

So I'm in survival mode, just for a little while. And unlike most people, I pray for the week days so I can work and leave my broken mind behind and have a good time and feel happy. When I don't have that, I lose it a little. And it's a little sad to say that work saves my mind, but I don't see it as sad. I found something in my life that is pure...that madness can't touch and I think that is a miracle.

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."

Sometimes i wonder if I'm kidding myself. Like if it's all a joke. All of this insight, all of this fighting. Is it all fucking worth it?

I think the problem comes when I have extra stressers. But I'm dealing with them. I'm choosing not to indulge the depressions tugging at me. I'm choosing music expression instead of pain expression. I'm choosing writing over blood. I'm choosing solutions and not indecision. Strength is a matter of a made up mind and I made up my mind when I moved here that things would be different. And I get strength from that. And so this is all just another testament to me here in the present and future. A life with controlled extreme's if there is such a term. :-)