Me...friend and foe.

Today I realized that every day I was living symptom free of my disorder was a blessing. I was having a conversation with my current roommate and a mutual friend who wanted to get a house to rent with all of us together in Feburary/March, six months or so from now. We thought about it and decided to discuss it in January because we could all be in different places in six months.

And I thought, wow, six months from now, who knows what I'll look like compared to all the changes that happened to me in the last six months and last year. Last year at this time I believe I was in the state hospital in Georgia. Now look at me, geez!

I have a fast brain disorder. This is so freakin' true. Tonight I had three main things I wanted to accomplish for work. Initially I felt like it was going to take a lot of motivation on my part and secretly I was just going to be happy with doing one or two of the three.

So my mind is back!! I felt productive somewhat today. I just felt clearer and today would be the first day that the lithium is officially out of my body. I thank the lithium gods, but that was in the past- it really did save me for about a year and a half/two years. But then I changed, my body changed and now it has more toxic effects on me. So a little while ago, I RE-found icarus and everyone here got me thinking about alternatives. Why put somewhat toxic things in my body when there are other alternatives.

Life can definitely keep you on your toes. Life is good right now. Well, not the total best- no car  no phone etc. but, I put things in my little box  in my head for things to deal with later and I'm pretty happy most of the time. I am at peace for the most part and calm. I am not currently experiencing any mood changes, I'm neither manic or depressed.

But...I have this little problem. When I don't take an anti-psychotic, I am paranoid as fuck. The littlest things can set me off. My roommate wakes up and just looks at me weird and suddenly I think she hates my guts and asking me to move in with her and that she is thinking all of these bad things about me. Same at work, just the wrong comment or look and it sends these negative things flying and I just think people are staring at me or talking about me and it's just awful. When I take my anti-psychotic, generally I am a-okay. Except today, I had to take an extra dose...hence keeping me on my toes. I have made the decision- I am going to call a psychiatrist and get an appointment tomorrow.
 

I used to try to fit my brain to life...but that got me nowhere. Now I fit my life to my brain and I finally feel natural...my brain feels natural and the way I live my life- I am at peace. I tried to fit a square peg into a round hole which would never go together but sometimes a round peg can fit into a square.

I love my new mind oritntation...so I can finally live life at peace.

I'm just glad I'm me and that I weathered the storms and come out all the stronger. With much faith and hope, I look forward to the future and I will continue to do all that I can to stay well. And to just be nobody but me.